Saturday, February 25, 2012

Being Sick


I'd like to stay with you a little - look how long it's been since I posted.  

I've been so sick so long, the shingles pain slowly receding, the serious side effects from the pain pills still a problem.  Trying to complete therapy for the frozen shoulder, and worst, a raging UTI that put me in the hospital.  Now I have a PICC, a sort of semi-permanent IV in my arm, and we do a dose of antibiotics every night.  Usually, the third day on an antibiotic is like a charm, the sun rises, I feel health.  Not this time.  This one really bit in.

UTI's bring depression with them.  So does February.  And I have a depressive disorder.  I constantly try things that might bring me out of it, and made the step of ordering Toni Bernhard's How to Be Sick for myself, gave the library back their copy.  I wish I had her life, to tell the truth.  She has a complex fatigue syndrome, and it seems pretty consistent.  And she is surrounded by Buddhists and teachers.  

The transplant has been different.  A huge shock to the system both with the surgery and the steroids.  Then one problem after another; I never get adjusted.  Any little gain, like getting a haircut, is followed by a major setback.  Tried joining the church choir, but then came the shingles, too much pain and fatigue.  Strange swelling in one foot and ankle meant a night in the ER.  It takes two days to recover from that. Tried a very promising art class, but that went very badly, a story I don't want to tell.  When I am depressed, I can't be around high-pitched people.


Maybe the class needed alcohol.  Alcohol depresses the central nervous system.  Our senses are blurred.  The jagged anxiety people spill all around themselves settles down a bit, and anyway, everyone's talking, nobody's listening.  But not me.  Alcohol just makes me tired and dull.


I don't think this antibiotic is working.  Or the depression is very powerful in its own right.  The acupuncturist put two tiny seeds in my ears that I can touch a bit and do acupuncture with them.  So I will.

4 comments:

  1. Jeanne, I'm so sorry. I don't know who wouldn't be depressed in your situation. I have been, and will continue to think of you! I've been missing you here!

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  2. much love to you, Jeanne. you will be in my prayers! There are so many things I might say but I feel no other comment would be just right. I am not unfamiliar with dark nights of the soul and body. a hand reaching toward yours.....

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  3. The only thing I'd have to say is a warm hug. Kanzeon all through the night, Kanzeon all through the day...

    Love,
    Aj

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  4. Always appreciating the gifts of your posts. Thank you for your generosity in telling about your life as it is.

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