Saturday, February 25, 2012
I'd like to stay with you a little - look how long it's been since I posted.
I've been so sick so long, the shingles pain slowly receding, the serious side effects from the pain pills still a problem. Trying to complete therapy for the frozen shoulder, and worst, a raging UTI that put me in the hospital. Now I have a PICC, a sort of semi-permanent IV in my arm, and we do a dose of antibiotics every night. Usually, the third day on an antibiotic is like a charm, the sun rises, I feel health. Not this time. This one really bit in.
UTI's bring depression with them. So does February. And I have a depressive disorder. I constantly try things that might bring me out of it, and made the step of ordering Toni Bernhard's How to Be Sick for myself, gave the library back their copy. I wish I had her life, to tell the truth. She has a complex fatigue syndrome, and it seems pretty consistent. And she is surrounded by Buddhists and teachers.
The transplant has been different. A huge shock to the system both with the surgery and the steroids. Then one problem after another; I never get adjusted. Any little gain, like getting a haircut, is followed by a major setback. Tried joining the church choir, but then came the shingles, too much pain and fatigue. Strange swelling in one foot and ankle meant a night in the ER. It takes two days to recover from that. Tried a very promising art class, but that went very badly, a story I don't want to tell. When I am depressed, I can't be around high-pitched people.
Maybe the class needed alcohol. Alcohol depresses the central nervous system. Our senses are blurred. The jagged anxiety people spill all around themselves settles down a bit, and anyway, everyone's talking, nobody's listening. But not me. Alcohol just makes me tired and dull.
I don't think this antibiotic is working. Or the depression is very powerful in its own right. The acupuncturist put two tiny seeds in my ears that I can touch a bit and do acupuncture with them. So I will.