Saturday, February 25, 2012

Being Sick

I'd like to stay with you a little - look how long it's been since I posted.  

I've been so sick so long, the shingles pain slowly receding, the serious side effects from the pain pills still a problem.  Trying to complete therapy for the frozen shoulder, and worst, a raging UTI that put me in the hospital.  Now I have a PICC, a sort of semi-permanent IV in my arm, and we do a dose of antibiotics every night.  Usually, the third day on an antibiotic is like a charm, the sun rises, I feel health.  Not this time.  This one really bit in.

UTI's bring depression with them.  So does February.  And I have a depressive disorder.  I constantly try things that might bring me out of it, and made the step of ordering Toni Bernhard's How to Be Sick for myself, gave the library back their copy.  I wish I had her life, to tell the truth.  She has a complex fatigue syndrome, and it seems pretty consistent.  And she is surrounded by Buddhists and teachers.  

The transplant has been different.  A huge shock to the system both with the surgery and the steroids.  Then one problem after another; I never get adjusted.  Any little gain, like getting a haircut, is followed by a major setback.  Tried joining the church choir, but then came the shingles, too much pain and fatigue.  Strange swelling in one foot and ankle meant a night in the ER.  It takes two days to recover from that. Tried a very promising art class, but that went very badly, a story I don't want to tell.  When I am depressed, I can't be around high-pitched people.

Maybe the class needed alcohol.  Alcohol depresses the central nervous system.  Our senses are blurred.  The jagged anxiety people spill all around themselves settles down a bit, and anyway, everyone's talking, nobody's listening.  But not me.  Alcohol just makes me tired and dull.

I don't think this antibiotic is working.  Or the depression is very powerful in its own right.  The acupuncturist put two tiny seeds in my ears that I can touch a bit and do acupuncture with them.  So I will.


  1. Jeanne, I'm so sorry. I don't know who wouldn't be depressed in your situation. I have been, and will continue to think of you! I've been missing you here!

  2. much love to you, Jeanne. you will be in my prayers! There are so many things I might say but I feel no other comment would be just right. I am not unfamiliar with dark nights of the soul and body. a hand reaching toward yours.....

  3. The only thing I'd have to say is a warm hug. Kanzeon all through the night, Kanzeon all through the day...


  4. Always appreciating the gifts of your posts. Thank you for your generosity in telling about your life as it is.