Dark Cloud

Appropriately, this photo is a negative effect shot of a stunning cumulus cloud.  A horrible day.  Couldn't get internet in my room until now, ashamed to be visible outside with it.  So I felt horribly lonely.   This is not like garden-variety "I walk the streets of town alone" realization.  I hope maybe some relatives of bipolars read this - I am trying to express how it feels. Or look at Van Gogh's self-portrait.

I did sit mid-morning, but obsessed madly on a problematic relationship - it was like my first retreat, not much better mental control. Cried about the death of Sherlock two years ago (not the first time). It was worse than not sitting.  Not talking added to it - you express energy talking.  That's why anxious people babble. I'm sure I need a shower.  My novels didn't even engage me. Hugging Tom helped - he is a pillar of flesh. Petting the two roving kittens helped terrifically. And taking a few photos. Why are bipolars so creative?  There you are - it helps. And kind notes from two facebook friends, women from church, as well as a note from a beloved Teacher that told me he knew how I feel.  I can't tell you how much connection means. Very few people don't turn away from acute suffering. People have to be realized and grounded.

There is only one Buddhist thought that helps - this, too, shall pass. Other beautiful minds know how long every minute is in a bad depression.  But it has passed other times. Being able to write this has absorbed me, too.