We did get in to see my friend today. She was still in the most intensive post-op care, and deeply sedated. I have felt knocked off my pins all day. I think of how Pema Chodron says to stay there, vulnerable, realizing the fragility of life. During church I found myself slowly saying over in my mind The Five Remembrances, almost like it was something to hang on to: this is the truth, they knew it too. It doesn't worry me that it could be me - Christ, my body is so falling apart these days, bones dissolving, pain. I'm not even very afraid of some dire scenarios the deterioration of my spine could lead to. I am afraid of Tom dying; that would leave a hole in my life like a cavern. There is no way you fill that, the long history with someone is gone forever. Or Cassie, or Otto, if one of them died I couldn't stand the pain. Of course, you could. It's amazing what you can stand. But sometimes I really have to nod at the Buddha, and say, You got it right. Life is suffering. And sometimes you just can't ride a wave of bliss over it.
However, there is one thing I know, and value greatly - I'll feel better in the morning.