Saturday, October 23, 2010
I have had something else beyond price from all this - I have learned to recognize love when it comes my way. This has followed directly on Laura's gift of her kidney - I think I wrote about that here back then - it seemed the universe opened up a golden track, that there was this benevolence, this giving, even this taking care of me, a friendly universe instead of the sad threats I experienced in childhood, like so many children of broken people. I have begun just seeing and feeling the love that is in front of me. I feel it as healing in the center of my body.
Tom came into my study a while back to tell me I coughed a lot in the night, and he is concerned about me breathing deeply and exercising my lungs. I have a little machine for that, a spirometer I think it is. But also, in the hospital I was walking 10 minutes or more at a time around the halls, and I'm not doing that here. As I listened to him I felt the love and caring that this came from. How astonishing - to have a husband like this. I have to dress, put shoes on, and do some walking meditation around the house. If the sun comes out, I might walk outside for a few minutes.
I think a lot about the oxymoron: a Zen Blog. The Way is beyond words - so what is it I do here? A kind of art form, I guess, like stacking stones at a crossroads. A kind of appreciation. Also, I try to just present myself and say, Well, this is Zen too. It's not about preaching anything. It is very ordinary. I am convalescing. That sounds like a journey from A to B, from surgery to Being Well Again. But there is no end point to this particular journey - no assurance, we're done now. Actually, my experience is that whenever you reach one of those, it's highly disappointing. Remember graduation?
(image: Rainbow sunrise at Grailville)