Waiting

Today the vet will draw Sherlock's blood again - I guess he lived through the night - It is 9:25 and no one has called us - and we will see if two days of IV hydration and antibiotics have helped. When I visited him last night, he was dull and dim, and wouldn't look at me. It reminded me of my mother, when she was dying. You sense the loss of vital energy. He didn't perk up on seeing me the way he had earlier, when we both came. I think he thought then we had come to take him home.

We talked about that last night, whether to bring him home to die if that's the way this is going. But when he was here, he wasn't really here, didn't sleep with us, but lay in on Otto's bed. If he needs to be euthanized, it is probably best to do it with the least disturbance, with both of us there and some of the tissue paper he liked to lie on.

He was a very strong presence in the house. He used to be everywhere, wherever we were, lying on the book you were trying to read, or sprawling out on your pillow when you got up to go to the bathroom. We always said, "Who owns that book?" It seemed to be about dominion of his territory, and he was vigilant. We think he enjoyed this house very much - all the accessible windows, privileges on the screened porch and the attached garage.

I kept seeing him all night as he was, images of him being vital and young. He had so much energy, when I carried him out to the van the other day, sick as he was he perked his head up and put up a bit of struggle to get down. I knew it was interesting for him to be carried, unusual. Also, he hated to be confined. Also, experience told him this meant going to the Vet. The Vet has said that if he does improve, he will be difficult to treat. As sick as he is, it was hard for them to draw blood. It was almost impossible when he was well; he screamed the house down.

Last night we talked about the mystery of the life force that breathes us. How beings have a time to die, sometimes very young, or very old, way past when they're ready to die. And how there is obviously a force that ebbs away. This energy is what the Chinese doctor works with, opening channels so it can flow. If you do tai chi, you practise drawing energy up through your feet from the earth. It exists, an energy our science cannot measure directly.

I kept dreaming last night of a roller blind that was partway down. I don't know what that meant. . . . Friends know how much Sherlock means in our life. I've had posts, phone calls, and flowers from my lovely neighbor, Lauren. Red-orange tulips, full of life.