Deep Thoughts on a Difficult Feeling

The difficult emotion I felt recently was vindictiveness. There must be a lot of it around, because the internet has lots of quotes like these, posted by people who understand karma exists, but have missed out on the rest of the message of Buddhism.

But it’s my own problem I’m thinking about just now, because one effect of Zen on me has been that I catch myself when I have mean thoughts.

Whenever I desire to "get" someone or "show them" or "pay them back" it seems to involve the ideas in my mind about how they should treat or respect me, that and pain.  More generally, aggression is aroused by threats to my Self - ego, me, protecting this Wun rather than considering the other’s situation and the entire context.

It may be a natural, or animal, reaction, to lash back if you feel hurt or threatened - the cat does.  And to want to feel part of your Tribe, to be equal, to be respected.  To be fully human is to be able to delay that lashing back and meditate on your difficult feeling.  There are great ethical reasons to delay acting in anger, and good personal reasons.  All forms of anger, including grudges, are painful to feel and hard on the body.  Sometimes don't realize that, and feel strengthened by the adrenalin.  In the military, the hatred of soldiers training for combat is deliberately whipped up; somehow adrenalin is courage.

Once I saw my mother feeling vindictive, and believing she was entitled to seek revenge.   

That story was so sad.  It was St. Patrick’s Day, the alcoholic's very favorite day of the year, and we all went to the local Irish club, Sons of Herman, to which Aunt Eileen belonged.  I can still envision her in a charming native costume she'd bought in Ireland, a green embroidered pinafore over a white puff-sleeved peasant blouse.  She was on the petite side and wore it very well.  She could do a little soft-shoe, too.

My father may have come from work, since he was in his suit and tie, all that.  Maybe he didn’t want to be there at all, and felt he had to be.  Or maybe he was just in one of his black moods.  He kept his fedora on, a childish gesture of sullenness; that simply was not done in those days.  This  was in the sixties, which were still the fifties in Akron, Ohio.

With that hat on, my father invited me to dance.  I hated having him dance me - he was a strong, contemptuous lead, held me too close and exuded too much testoserone.  He probably danced with Eileen, and the other women, her sister and sister-in-law.  But he refused to dance with my mother when she asked him outright.

Above, a popular quote.

A few days later Eileen was over visiting with my mother, and they were talking in the kitchen.  From another room I heard my mother say, “He’ll see if I dance with him.”  Of course dance has always been about sex.  Boy, was she mad.  I cringed at it.

He should not have done that.  It hurt her, and it shamed her.  That’s all you need to do to foster vindictiveness, right? 

Now, and this is important, vindictiveness involves aggression, which is considered in Buddhism to be one of the Three Poisons:  greed, hatred, delusion.  There is also a way it involves greed, my mother's enormous need for reassurance, and also delusion.  She never quite gave up her delusion that my father would love her better.  Abusive men can be very charming and sweet at times, and in a dry country, a teaspoon of water tastes like nectar.  Such men get women to stay with them by sweetness and apology.  Then, make-up sex.

And eventually he must have brought my mother around.  She wanted to love him with all her heart and soul, him above everyone, maybe even her children. She believed in eternal love and My Man.  But  maybe it scarred her a little, one more little scar on her vulnerable heart.  Hearts are made of flesh.  They can be damaged.
 
Who did I feel vindictive toward recently, enough so to write this?  I think I won’t put that out there to live eternally in the cloud.  Just meditate on it, perhaps.  Or maybe I just did......
And below, a nice summary of how Buddhism sees karma.  It's not about how we feel, but how we act.

[bonus:  Here is an interesting link to an informal discussion of karma in which many people have no trouble talking about their vindictiveness.]

Another Growth Opportunity

Here's what I got in my mailbox today from Tricycle Daily Dharma, which I usually appreciate:

We should be especially grateful for having to deal with annoying people and difficult situations, because without them we would have nothing to work with. Without them, how could we practice patience, exertion, mindfulness, loving-kindness or compassion? It is by dealing with such challenges that we grow and develop.
Judith Lief, from "Train Your Mind"

It made me feel better to send it to a friend who completely understands the irascible state of mind this kind of thing puts me in, so I thought I'd blog on it, too, and that might make me and someone else feel better yet.

Obviously, this quote is well-chosen the coming holiday, Thanksgiving, the day when 43.6 million Americans will travel to be with family; it's kind of a standing joke that these are people you would never have chosen as friends - in America there is a shocking disrespect for one's ancestors.  Most of these travel by car, driving the highways for hours in bumper-to-bumper traffic for an average round-trip of almost 600 miles.  And actually, this is no longer my situation in life due to deaths and other circumstances; I go to a Thanksgiving dinner at the church, where I like most of the people.

But not all.  And one of them I just really don't like right now.  For quite a few years my dislike was not a problem.  I just avoided them (plural pronoun used as gender-free singular). But recently they shot a couple of arrows right into my tender spot.  They were not aiming at me, and this is usually true when someone hurts you - some people just carry their big egos on their shoulders like a 2x4 and once in a while it swings around and happens to strike you, like a Three Stooges cartoon.

But - the damn arrow still hits you.  I would like to pull it out.  Meanwhile, this is a person I don't want to talk it through with, because I don't want to be their friend. I want to go back to comfortably avoiding them.

So I will have this to practice with on Thursday, for they will probably be there at church.  Right action, Buddhists call it.  Being pleasant.  Not gossiping angrily behind someone's back.  Not sending  bolts of cold.  You know.  And that will just have to do.  I intend to put them in the "difficult person" or "enemy" slot in my lovingkindness meditation, but right now that slot is full with somebody else.  Such is life. And, since I am a creative person, my "beloved" category is full, too.

To close with a little more attitude that reflects on American history, here's Jon Stewart:

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Your comments are always welcome.

update:  I had no trouble at all with negative feelings toward that person.  A stray negative thought, but not a problem.  Isn't that true for everything we worry about?  (Unless, of course, it turns out to be much worse.)