tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71233263684234992922024-02-06T22:29:44.856-05:00The Dalai GrandmaSlowing down with ZenJeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.comBlogger987125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-43136018720346731502017-09-09T23:12:00.003-04:002017-09-09T23:21:00.714-04:00Losing EverythingThe hurricane has me pondering. This one, Irma, is just now hitting the tip of Florida. You can follow it on Twitter if you have a high tolerance for excitement.<br />
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Florida is a state that has meaning for Americans. I think of Hemingway's house and all its six-toed cats. The one below is named Hairy Truman. I wonder how they'll do, whether the house will survive.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwjmk7CRxfluIwH71tn1FRaN6TcHjQO-1DIf96wyvBCH691JIgLAemmjlBHdOtfzg0u2s-CV2y6Apw-XyqP6YC8ys4GkzygA49ct2cD3fMkysW-HEnD-ygl8v7Re2hpOB4eDEi3ha1JkM/s1600/Cat-Pic-Hairy-Truman_731_600.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="731" height="263" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwjmk7CRxfluIwH71tn1FRaN6TcHjQO-1DIf96wyvBCH691JIgLAemmjlBHdOtfzg0u2s-CV2y6Apw-XyqP6YC8ys4GkzygA49ct2cD3fMkysW-HEnD-ygl8v7Re2hpOB4eDEi3ha1JkM/s320/Cat-Pic-Hairy-Truman_731_600.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
I've never been to Florida but my hairdresser, goes there for beach vacations and sends photos on Facebook. My husband Tom lived there for three years after college. My sister's friend from high school lives there and is also on my Facebook feed. Many retirees go there to live in better weather and never visit South Beach, which I know from a movie, The Birdcage. I think about The Everglades, wonder what this will do to them. In short, Florida is an idea in my mind, an important part of America in a way that few states are.<br />
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Miami Beach was shown on the news tonight, spotless and empty. I want to modify that to emphasize how strange it is: quite empty. Dead empty. Everyone is on the road or in an emergency center. It was beautiful and strange.<br />
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Many Floridians are crammed into emergency centers tonight wondering if they will lose everything. I keep thinking about the last line of The Five Remembrances, a Buddhist chant. "Everything and everyone I love will one day be taken from me." When I say that line I've always pictured myself dying, leaving everyone I love, and the house I think of as mine and all the things in it, things I see as mine.You don't just go into death alone, you go into it empty handed. But this can happen to you in life. Some people will lose everything in this weather disaster. You saw them waiting for rescue after Hurricane Harvey, sitting on a roof alone, with no bag, nothing. The place where they worked may also have disappeared. Other people manage to take their dog or cat and we are happy for them.<br />
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Back to Twitter. Shirtlifting tells us that "All 54 (!) cats resident in the Hemingway House in Key West have been accounted for and taken into a safe area to ride this baby out." This is a hurricane-proofed house of limestone block 16 feet above sea level. <a href="http://m.chron.com/news/nation-world/nation/article/Cats-Ernest-Hemingway-home-Key-West-Irma-Hurricane-12180112.php" target="_blank">Here's a story about it. </a><br />
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Many people have commented on this. They think the historic house, which is on an elevation, will survive. I hope it does. I've never visited it and I don't expect to, but I like to know it's there.<br />
<br />Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-52208717168578406382017-05-22T12:49:00.002-04:002017-05-22T12:49:34.149-04:00The Ongoing Opportunity of Aging<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The sandy beach is the ultimate barefoot experience. Once the sun is high the sand is exquisitely hot. You dance over it to the water's edge, where the packed sand is hard and cold. You can walk along the beach there, the cool tide washing over your toes, head and shoulders hot from the sun.<br />
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Going barefoot around the house is pretty good, too. We keep our house predictable so nobody falls, no loose Legos here. The Roomba cleans the carpet every day at its appointed time and tends to shove stray toy mousies underneath the buffet. <br />
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I walk around in my slipper socks in the morning, believing that barefoot walking is good for the feet. But then it's shoes, aathletic shoes with good support and my custom insoles in them. These stopped the old bones in my feet from getting stress fractures. Stress fractures are really painful, and the treatment of them is painful too. Walking in a soft cast and boot stresses an old body in all sorts of places, so now those places hurt.<br />
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Those fractures started happening about fifteen years ago, when I was sixty. The first one was caused by a day in gray lizard flats that were perfect with my silk dress, but tight. Uncomfortable. The fracture didn't happen until the next morning. It hurts to even remember the shocking pain. I didn't want to ever wear those flats again, and a number of high-heeled shoes went to the thrift store with them. Last to go were red pumps with three-inch heels. You know.<br />
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<a href="https://huaracheblog.files.wordpress.com/2016/10/campeche-red-side-sole34.jpg?w=590&h=452" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://huaracheblog.files.wordpress.com/2016/10/campeche-red-side-sole34.jpg?w=590&h=452" width="320" /></a>Buddhism likes to say that your problems are your path. My foot problems were indeed an opportunity to work through that little element of vanity, and that funny thing about having lots of cool shoes that some of us have. Shoes as a symbol of who you are, like the huaraches I loved when I was in college. Mine were natural leather, not a muted red like these. I loved them, would have loved these, too.<br />
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I can't even wear sandals now, they feel too precarious, and I've had some life-changing falls, so I don't take chances. I do have a pair of black lace-up shoes like dance oxfords, for occasions in which athletic shoes would be disrespectful. When I wear them I miss the support of my athletic shoes.<br />
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Shoes were an instance of desire in my life. Any little occasion of desire can be something to contemplate, an ego thing. I had a thing about dressing well, too. That's another story. And a thing about not being a little old lady in tennis shoes. The "little old" part is because the spine collapses with arthritis. I'm still upright though and walking unassisted in the house, using a cane outside just to be sure. There are thousands of cute canes online, most of them only $20 or $30, cheaper than good shoes. You can have a whole cane wardrobe if it tickles you, sequined canes, canes with birds or flowers printed on them, canes that go with your outfit, that's if you want something to collect besides shoes.<br />
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<br />Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-67395913680582149842017-05-03T10:15:00.002-04:002017-05-16T09:37:18.594-04:00Actually, it's not that simpleYesterday my peaceful mood was thrown by a medication problem. I ran out of a major immune-suppressant medicine, which keeps my body from rejecting my transplanted kidney. This medicine is thought to be <i>very</i> important. How does such a thing even happen?<br />
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It's easier than you think. I take about a dozen prescription drugs, 30-some pills a day. I get some at a local pharmacy, some by mail-order, and some from a specialty mail-order place that handles unusual things. I expect the special mail-order pharmacy to do things right---they always have.<br />
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Two weeks ago I ordered a refill of Neoral from them. Four days after that I received a box from them with sirolimus, my other special med. I have plenty of sirolimus, so I thought, "Well, huh, I don't need this but they sent it. Okay." </div>
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That's the last I thought of it until yesterday morning when I went to get a fresh box of Neoral. I didn't have any. None.</div>
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I was rightly anxious about not having that drug, and made several attempts to get it. (For one, I left a message with the nurse who handles my kidney doc's prescriptions. He never called back.) In the late afternoon, I saw that the specialty pharmacy's website gave email addresses for its executives, and I wrote to the pharmacist in charge of their midwest division. That worked. She called me within the hour, apologized, and assured me that it was being shipped overnight. I'm tracking it, it's on a FedEx truck somewhere in my neighborhood. (Update: It arrived that day around 5:00.)</div>
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Okay. I intend to track pharmacy refills on my calendar from now on.<br />
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I was struck by how confused and depressed I got. I needed some anxiety to propel me into action. But I didn't need to go into a bleak mood. It came to me pretty easily that I owed that to my father. He would have been spitting with blame. <i>How could you be so stupid? Don't you keep track of these drugs? </i>And so on. He's been dead 20 years this month, but that voice still pops up now and then. Ah, his legacy.<br />
<i><br /></i> <i>How could you be so stupid</i> was one of his refrains especially for me. I have wished sometimes that I could sit down with him then as an adult and say, <i>I wonder if you've ever thought about how this affects your daughter when you talk to her like that. Who talked to you like that when you were a child? How did you feel?</i> But I wasn't an adult back then and couldn't respond rationally. I was a child, and these attacks wounded me. Many children of alcoholics are physically beaten. I just got emotional abuse. So did my brother, sister, and mother in other ways.</div>
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Everyone in the family was molded by my father's hypervigilant perfectionism, which was quite irrational. It was based on a belief that you were in complete control of your life, even though he'd been a soldier and knew better. This radically oversimplifies life, and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fallacy_of_the_single_cause" target="_blank">is a logical fallacy</a>. Karma is vast and complex. We just do our best.<br />
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I worked on this post yesterday. In the evening it occurred to me that I'd spent all day defending myself against that internalized blame, when in fact the pharmacy made the mistake. This is a symptom of the complex PTSD caused by an abusive childhood.</div>
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Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-11414587832501621332017-04-29T18:25:00.003-04:002017-04-29T18:27:50.232-04:00Some Political Incorrectness<br />
<a 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" 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" 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It's widely known that American women worked in factories during World War II, doing big jobs, hard jobs, because the men were off fighting. Even so, the patriarchy informed hiring decisions, witness the little hiring guide below. My favorite bit is in point six: "Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves." This was the water we swam in a short while ago. Today, much-reviled "political correctness" prevents employers from putting something like that down in writing. But old stereotypes die hard.<br />
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My second favorite point in the below is that husky women, point no. 3, make better workers than skinny ones. Yes! You may also note that having time to freshen up your lipstick is good for workplace morale.So<br />
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Throughout, women are referred to as <i>girls.</i> Another way of keeping us small.<br />
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<img src="https://lh6.ggpht.com/_9F9_RUESS2E/TEmH-2BBIVI/AAAAAAAADP8/GPTbUB52xP8/s800/woman-at-work-guide.jpg" />Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-15511113254361044812017-04-22T16:37:00.002-04:002017-04-22T17:12:41.007-04:00I experience a moment of mental health <img alt="Image may contain: 5 people, people standing" src="https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/17992044_10209178305309878_6431225411231495115_n.jpg?oh=56e22a069d8cce3d8272f5882ad536ad&oe=599456BA" /><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><br />
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Tom came in from the march for science (it's Earth Day) a happy man. He met Cassie and Otto and saw a lot of Unitarians there. That's grandson Otto standing and daughter Cassie peering out from behind Tom's head, and a sign she made. <br />
Tom got together with a couple of the men afterward and they went to Fox in the Snow. He even brought home a pastry for me. (Well, he wouldn’t mind sharing it, as it turned out.)<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>He talked about what he went through before a policeman allowed him to keep his sign on a stick, which was taped to his wheelchair - sticks are now banned at marches as possible weapons. Talked about the clever signs and who he saw there, a number of people including Laurie Brown, who gave me one of her kidneys via clever medical science. Most of all, he enjoyed doing it with Cassie and Otto.<br />
<img alt="Image may contain: 1 person, standing and outdoor" src="https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/18056666_10209178380911768_546746136263617422_n.jpg?oh=1ae7f4ec363c4891a17a5f061e304b34&oe=59840B99" /><br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I’ve been home today, canceled my sitting group because I'm recovering from a reaction to a medication. A friend and I were going to go to North Star for a free hamburger this afternoon -they do that for earth day - but both woke up grouchy and didn’t much improve. I let go of that. I can buy a hamburger there anytime.<br />
I've been having a problem lately with depression, but it wasn’t interfering while Tom talked. I just felt empathetically happy. There are many other ways you can react to someone’s joy. You can think about how you didn’t get to go because you’re out of shape because you’re depressed and don’t do anything. And your allergies are awful this year. You can be sorry for yourself with a sense that life isn’t fair. You can be pissed at someone for not asking <i>And how are you feeling?</i>when he walks in the door.<i> </i>That would be being mad at him for being who he is and was raised to be. It all sounds a little teenaged to me today. It's all about competitiveness, about wanting some attention for that demanding ego I call Mimi Me.<br />
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I wasn't doing that. I was just listening with a pleasant feeling, being happy for Tom’s happiness. I guess this is just unusual enough that I notice it. I'm afraid that people I know are seldom happy. If they were, I was trained to be competitive, not to empathize with someone else's happiness. This foreign notion is called sympathetic joy in the Buddhist tradition and goes way back into older traditions. It is one of the four heavenly abodes, places to rest the mind, the others being loving kindness, compassion, and equanimity. <br />
Buddhist teacher and psychologist Jack Kornfield calls them "the four radiant abodes" and says such an interesting thing about them: they represent optimal mental health. An interesting statement to anyone with a mental illness. We often try to correct our moods or thinking with medication, which often doesn't work. My bipolar disorder is a visible change in my brain caused by genetic susceptibility and a sad childhood. I do often remind myself to notice my moods with equanimity. They happen to me, like a wind coming on. But here was another thing to think about, how empathizing with Tom's happiness warmed and softened my heart.<br />
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<br />Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-68552811448990506582016-12-21T17:57:00.003-05:002016-12-21T17:58:36.798-05:00The year in reviewLike so many bloggers, I stopped blogging this year. This had something to do with getting serious about your writing, something to do with having Facebook to express yourself on/distract yourself with, something to do with having now shared all the wisdom you've got. In the autumn of 2014 I took an online course from the University of Iowa, which has one of the best creative writing programs in the country. It gave me new ways to understand writing fiction, and I got going and wrote half a dozen short stories. I entered one in several contests. Didn't win. Life is unfair.<br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">Why didn't I keep sending out these stories? My <i>vitals</i> page and my calendar tell the answer. Doctors, doctors, one UTI infection after another. The infections are not like the UTIs many women get while young, maybe from enthusiastic sex. They evidence themselves in the depression they trigger in my authentically bipolar brain. So, no writing then.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">In late June I was hospitalized with extreme shortness of breath which turned out to be due to no other cause than a UTI. While I was there I told them I'd recently fallen, so they did a scan that showed a subdural hematoma - brain bleed. And I hadn't even hit my head this time. But when you're old - I turned 74 this year - the brain shrinks a little. If you land hard, your brain bangs around in your skull.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">The second scan showed the bleed wasn't getting worse, so they released me. The third scan months later showed it was gone, so nothing to worry about. Except . . . my short-term memory is much worse ever since. Much. And my processing is much slower. The new neurologist felt sure it wasn't dementia and would resolve. That was six months ago, and it hasn't. Next time I see my primary care doctor I'm going to ask him to suggest an evaluation for dementia.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">I am now very afraid of falling. Because I fell for no reason. I was deadheading the peonies, walking backward in tiny steps on a concrete sidewalk, and just lost my balance. Then time moved very slowly, there was nothing to grab hold of, and I landed hard on my bottom. Because of the concussion, I couldn't figure out how to get up until Tom came out and helped me. </span><br />
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So now I use a cane outside the house. I have two canes, one leopard-skin print, one giraffe print, that's one for each vehicle. We won't have both vehicles forever. My 2000 Civic is low to the ground, and it's gotten hard for me to get out of. Tom's van is much better for me.</div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">This calendar year I had 12 UTIs, yes, one right after another. I had to go to a urologist - I dread those tests - to rule out specific bladder problems. Now I'm on a maintenance antibiotic. It has been working for several weeks now.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">I forgot things till I looked at my calender. I had a procedure to fix the artery in my left leg, which went great; the foot doesn't get numb walking now. I was hospitalized again in November with a skin infection called cellulitis from a tiny cut on my lymphedemic right arm. These are a common threat for people who have had lymph glands removed. Old age and being immune-suppressed are risk factors.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Me me me. I meant to look at what I did this year, but it seemed like I had to point out first that I barely had a year. I don't know how I would have taken all this if I hadn't had a good grounding in the dharma. I thought often about karma, about how our lives are not just in our own hands. My health problems started with the kidney transplant six years ago, and the immune-suppressing drugs we have to take. The kidney failure started with taking lithium for 20 years. The bipolar disorder was the result of a combination of childhood trauma and the genes for it. The childhood trauma . . . </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">I miss you folks.</span></div>
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Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-64366823510705380542016-03-21T12:27:00.002-04:002016-03-21T12:27:26.153-04:00Growing up in the Fifties<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjLdtd-Fbzk5kTdBTSy7flWOFRM4tLM39bZ5Q5N_43uPQcnIWPAZqG5iN8dL5bu-SwjYGJrxUdvkq9rt2HejvyZk2P3x-O0KpHnlAwKK5CnGlF2W_94DZco8P-AP1KOE8rglD8luPVdEw/s1600/Bridge+of+Spies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjLdtd-Fbzk5kTdBTSy7flWOFRM4tLM39bZ5Q5N_43uPQcnIWPAZqG5iN8dL5bu-SwjYGJrxUdvkq9rt2HejvyZk2P3x-O0KpHnlAwKK5CnGlF2W_94DZco8P-AP1KOE8rglD8luPVdEw/s400/Bridge+of+Spies.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What's wrong with this picture?</td></tr>
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I enjoyed Bridge of Spies. It was absorbing and interesting, especially because I was alive at this time but not very conscious in things like the last section of the Berlin Wall falling in place - I was a single mother devastated by a divorce. After I saw the film I cruised around the internet reading the critics. In comments on one site I came across a very angry woman named Mary. She wrote something like this:<br />
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This movie made me so mad. It's flat and untrue to its time, some male Hollywoodish view of what life was in the 1950s, husband-wife caricature, family as set decoration, I was ready to throw bricks at the screen by the time it was over.</blockquote>
It struck me that I once was Mary, but hadn't been angry at all watching the film.Why was that? It wasn't untrue to my experience. It showed the world I grew up in.Women existed in support roles in the home and the world of work. We wore slim skirts and sweaters. Men wore overcoats and made important decisions and played important roles in matters of state.<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I felt like a real living being then, and all my problems seemed personal, though it turned out they weren't. And I wasn't very adjusted to it all, I just didn't know that. Until I went to college I did not know I lived in a system and people elsewhere lived in different systems. Until the revolutions of the sixties, I did not know I could dislike it. Until feminism I did not know how suppressed we women were as a class, what we could not even desire, which might be to take part in important negotiations in a bad overcoat.<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>If there are stages of awakening to your position in the culture, the first one is anger at what it's done to you. But anger is a waste of time unless you can calm down and channel it into action. Acceptance of reality may be the last stage of awakening, but it should not keep us from seeing how wrong these social constructs are.Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-22837361197110126222016-01-23T17:18:00.000-05:002016-01-23T17:42:39.620-05:00Donald Trump Has It All Wrong<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>This is a sort of spoof by Jimmy Kimmel that represents Trump's philosophy. Trump seems to like it.</i><br />
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How things work together: this morning my email held a comment on my Christmas day post and this video from a beloved relative. The comment encouraged me. The video had me thinking, <b><i>T</i></b><i><b>he world isn't divided into winners and losers</b>.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i> I see that win-win training is still taught, and seen as a set of negotiation skills. It seemed like more when I first heard about it. It seemed revolutionary. It posited that things go best when everyone's needs are met, that aggression is worse than useless. I agree.<br />
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The opposite of winning and losing is feeling that you have enough, and being satisfied. If you are reading this, you have access to a computer and leisure time to fool around on it, and probably have adequate shelter and food as well. That's just about enough, really.<br />
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There is a basic unsatisfactoriness built-in to human life, and that is that things change and we know they will. We will grow old, sick, and die, and we know that, or at least fear it. To be satisfied we have to realize that cause and effect are complicated and a lot of things are not in our hands, and relax with that. Winning at anything won't change it. And the fact that you're not striving to win doesn't mean you're a loser.Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-29245892430789559732015-12-25T10:08:00.002-05:002015-12-25T10:08:31.737-05:00Let go of the battle<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9Gx7mRBU4Apo2-jgo8-skdgwCJYDYj1AaBay8LzFO9b2wsworVi9ONZB0gKLQKf_FRblnI2dcvknzjsdN_9F4WErjNi6C2e9akcr-5C8nBrY2YtfqXmqynzcC5SiMabAHQBaKgxJhAN8/s1600/Christmas-tree-008.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9Gx7mRBU4Apo2-jgo8-skdgwCJYDYj1AaBay8LzFO9b2wsworVi9ONZB0gKLQKf_FRblnI2dcvknzjsdN_9F4WErjNi6C2e9akcr-5C8nBrY2YtfqXmqynzcC5SiMabAHQBaKgxJhAN8/s320/Christmas-tree-008.jpg" /></a><br />
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You don't have to whip yourself into joy. <br />
You don't have to take a nice bath surrounded by scented candles,<br />
or enjoy a walk in the snow (no snow here)<br />
or dance till you smile<br />
or watch White Christmas.<br />
You don't have to try to feel any other way.<br />
Just be yourself today.<br />
Be with whatever you experience.<br />
It's okay.<br />
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<br />Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-70478801391135534282015-12-13T10:59:00.000-05:002015-12-13T10:59:23.069-05:00So you think you know what bipolar disorder isHave a look at this. <br />
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Note that bipolar is a dangerous illness, so painful that 30% of us kill ourselves before getting a correct diagnosis and treatment. This can be hard to believe when someone is manic. Mania is disturbing, and can read as arrogance and deliberate recklessness. Families and friends often judge and discard us.<br />
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Note that our depression is not like yours. If you are a normie, you've known depression. You probably managed to function and get through it. Ours is in a different category. Our relatives read it as not trying, whining, laziness. No one wants to be around it. Parker Palmer writes about a friend who came by <i>every day</i> and massaged his feet in silence. Do you have a friend like that? I certainly don't.<br />
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Note that something is missing here, and that's okay, a fact sheet can't do everything. What's missing is that it's very difficult to find a comfortable treatment; side effects can be a bitch, like <i>a lot</i> of weight gain, or a sense of removal from life. Almost never does treatment work to restore a person to a mood-free state. We are treading water all the time. Worst, treatment can stifle the wonderful creativity that often accompanies bipolar.<br />
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Van Gogh is my favorite fellow sufferer. His religiosity (seen today as "a symptom") gave him a restless drive to paint the essence in nature. His family found him a trial and a disappointment. Thank God he had a good brother who kept him supplied with paint and canvas. Many of us don't have that relative. It's a difficult life. Note that.<br />
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<a href="http://www.healthline.com/health/bipolar-disorder/fact-sheet?ref=tc"><span class="imageAreaBordered "><img alt="Bipolar Disorder" src="http://www.healthline.com/hlcmsresource/images/Infographics/BipolarDisorderInfographicnew.jpg" width="635" /></span></a><br />
<a href="http://www.healthline.com/">Bipolar Disorder Infographic — Healthline</a>Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-85755251525442857552015-10-01T20:00:00.001-04:002015-10-01T20:00:23.756-04:00Making Do With Less<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I first heard the term "paperless kitchen" more than ten years ago. My friend, who was in Simple Living, had committed to that. The thing she did was pick up lots and lots of paper napkins anytime she got fast food. It intrigued me, how she confused "paperless" with "paying for paper." Kind of like when you quit smoking and then borrow cigarettes from everyone else. It's not about not buying paper; it's about not using it.<br />
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Recently it occurred to me out of nowhere that going paperless in my kitchen was a good idea, that my paper towels were made from trees, trees which, if let to live would be forests cleaning the air. My daughter is studying forestry; that makes me think about these things.<br />
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I had plenty of rags, so I put them in a pretty bowl by the kitchen sink where the paper towels used to sit. I was surprised how annoying it was at first. It highlighted the fact that any habit change is difficult, the older the habit, the harder. I'd been grabbing a paper towel for decades. Now I had to pick the right size rag, and discard the yucky ones and hang the other ones to dry before they go down the chute. Eventually I had to wash them in with the other towels. All this is not work, but it was irritating at first. Change is.<br />
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There is a fallacy American advertising pounds on in these end times in which a great many women work and then come home and do everything at home. The fallacy is that you can buy something that will redeem this life by saving "precious seconds," something like one-swipe mascara (I'm not making this up). Every one of these solutions adds to the landfill. Don't believe them. You don't have a life by saving seconds. What people do with extra seconds is watch more TV.<br />
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Like everything else I discover, I'm a late adopter. Lots of people are already into this paperless thing. <a href="http://happyhealthymama.com/2015/04/5-simple-tips-to-transition-to-a-paperless-kitchen.html" target="_blank">Here's a nice article</a>, for instance. Obviously, if you work at it, your rags can even be pretty. You can even <i>buy rags</i> (a thought that astonishes me) from a website called, you guessed it, Paperless Kitchen. Their rags are sort of sturdier paper towels made from sustainable plant cellulose and, importantly, are <i>new.</i> It seems to me this is not a very ecological solution. New rags involve growing and harvesting those plants, manufacturing them, transporting them, which wears down the highways and pollutes the air. Like that.<br />
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As we say in Zen, pay attention.Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-89578307748162487292015-09-15T15:34:00.003-04:002015-09-15T15:36:19.454-04:00Practicing Compassion<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Of all the things I've seen about Syrian refugees, this video made me cry. In the face of all the rejection Syrian refugees are receiving, even here in the country that famously welcomes "the wretched refuse of your teeming shore," these people in Germany massed to hold up welcome signs. A small effort, but think how good it must have felt.</div>
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Here in the American dream it's easy to harden to all the suffering far from us. But this one has come close to me. </div>
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My first thought was to give some money. $8 I thought, the price of an inexpensive lunch. As I read about the crisis, the figure went up. I was just about to sign up for one of those cool events the elite institutions of my city offer, an Early Fall Supper, $45. I decided to give that money and cook myself an early fall supper that night. </div>
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But <i>where</i> to give the money? This is where we often get just stopped. Charity is so complicated, even the charity rating people get bad ratings. I decided to give it locally, but got confused. One agency doesn't list an email address I can write to to ask what they do with a donation. I am also put off by their huge staff and the lack of a TO. I've decided to give instead to a local church that I know is hands-on active in helping the needy.</div>
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Wait, what can you do besides give someone your lunch money? I found my way to this<a href="https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/authorize-and-resettle-syrian-refugees-us" target="_blank"> petition to the President to increase the US resettlement of refugees</a>. Obama started with a small number, 10,000, which activated the conservative media, who see it as "an invasion." I'm not kidding. Those of us who see compassion as our central practice need to be activated too. This wealthy country can easily share with the starving.</div>
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It gets harder. Other than writing this, how can I give my body, my time? I have to be careful about taking things on. For one thing, I take immune-suppressants and easily get infections. For another, my energy is limited. One thought I have is submitting something to my own church's Justice Action Ministry. But what? . . . . What I really want to do is be in that crowd at the airport holding up a welcome sign. Maybe I can find out how to do that.</div>
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Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-34470058275926770732015-08-06T17:40:00.004-04:002015-08-06T17:40:52.976-04:00Vanity Fair Showcases MeStyle icon: Wallis Simpson (I'm that old)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wallis in her famous monkey dress</td></tr>
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Favorite fashion purchase of all time: the Hollywoodish swing coat, jewel color velvet, that my mother encouraged me to go right back there and buy for myself. So I only wear it once a year, so what? Sometimes you should listen to your mother.<br />
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Notable ensemble of 1970: a floaty skirt, black with white daisies with yellow centers on it, with a wide black patent belt and a sleeveless black knit top. Yes, sleeveless. Didn't give it a second thought.<br />
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Favorite irreplacable item of clothing: much faded blue denim shirt, which I somehow <i>lost</i> this week.<br />
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Worst fashion purchase in the past year: A $70 purse that just doesn't work for me. If I'd bought it at a thrift store I'd have donated it back by now. A good reason to shop at thrift stores.<br />
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Favorite designer: the person who invented yoga pants<br />
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Go-to outfit: washed cotton tee, loose cotton pants with elastic waist.<br />
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Style tip: Nobody really notices you.<br />
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<br />Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-26770296036701464722015-08-04T12:54:00.002-04:002015-08-04T12:54:21.304-04:00Bipolar Life in the First WorldI'm lucky; the 48-hour rapid cycling I was experiencing has responded beautifully to Tegretol, the only notable side [unwanted] effect being on memory. I'm not so lucky - I was caught on that vicious ferris wheel for two years, and what a mess my stuff is in now that I'm looking at it. The fact is, some of the mess dates way back. But then, I've been bipolar since my thirties.<br />
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I'm lucky to be a very creative writer. Not so lucky to be sensitive and empathetic, barely fit for the roughshod transactions of normal society. But those two things are the same ball of twine. And they're related to the brain break that got me into bipolar, and to the sadness and trauma of my childhood. Lucky, unlucky.<br />
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My brain is in display in my study, but it's not on display, actually. No one is invited in. Here's just one piece of it, the table that is supposed to serve as my desk when I want to quietly study something or write something by hand.<br />
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It's actually a bit bigger than this. And what, you wonder, is a bottle of conditioner doing there? It is waiting for me to figure out how to dispose of it.<br />
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Hmm. Okay. It is considered hazardous waste. Stuff I put on my <i>hair</i>. Well. And I see there is a place in Columbus where you can take it. There are also quarterly pickups, but I just missed one. So I'm going to wrap it in plastic, label it, and put it in the garage, which is a staging area between our house and the landfill.<br />
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If you want a Buddhist take on this, and why else would you read this blog, <i>things</i> are a thief of time. Living in the first world at this moment in time has its own unique cluster of problems. We are embarrassed to have these problems of affluence, like what to do with the iPad box you see on that desk. Still, they do exist, and they're genuinely our problems. Don't knock them.Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-38997480077095586412015-08-02T18:07:00.000-04:002015-08-04T14:37:54.048-04:00Is reality harsh? and other minutiaCold?<br />
<br />
We say, "That's the cold hard truth." It means "That's a truth I don't like. That's part of reality I'd rather put aside." As an elderly lady I know once told her daughter, memorably, "Well, that might be reality, but that doesn't mean I have to think about it."<br />
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You don't have to believe that, barring accident, you yourself are aging, and are going to die, and therefore make out an Advance Care Directive. <a href="http://med.stanford.edu/content/dam/sm/bioethics/documents/pdfs/Advanced.directive.CA.pdf" target="_blank">Here's one form.</a><br />
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(This used to be called Living Will, a term that was somehow more approachable, though not logical. It's a record of how you want to be cared for in the event you can't speak for yourself.)</blockquote>
Whether or not you face reality, it just is. To call it cold and harsh is to say you don't like it. Of course not in specific instances. But to dislike the laws of the universe is . . . not Zen.<br />
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I just brought this up because someone I know is going around telling friends how she wants them to pull the plug if she's terminally ill, and how to do her funeral (perhaps just keeping her end up in conversation) and you know what? her distant family is going to get to make all those decisions unless she gets it on paper. Signed and witnessed.<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Gerard Manley Hopkins<br />
I just returned to "The Windhover." It may be his best poem, and that's saying something, because he may be the best poet of his time.<br />
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In reading it, do not overlook the epigraph. Also, this: "my heart in hiding/stirred." My heart in hiding; what a phrase.<br />
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<a href="http://www.bartleby.com/122/12.html" target="_blank">Here it is.</a> It is his invented language, so, like contemporary art, it's not something you grasp on sight.<br />
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~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
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Abstract art.<br />
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Just experience it.Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-51695852454826922952015-07-11T16:45:00.003-04:002015-07-12T18:17:45.595-04:00Just Do What is in Front of youI've been reading <a href="http://thedesk.matthewkeys.net/2015/02/david-carr-berkeley-commencement-speech/" target="_blank">David Carr's commencement speech</a> to UC Berkeley School of Journalism. I like to read commencement speeches by people I like, and he was one of them. He died of metastatic lung cancer, worked till the end - was found in the NY Times newsroom February 12, 2015. This talk was published three days later - a fitting monument.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">David Carr</td></tr>
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In it he refers to the places where the homeless congregate as "open-air mental health wards." Here's another passage in which he tries to inspire those journalist kids to look for the story somebody has to do, meaning research it, write it, get it published.<br />
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Right now there are people who are spending enormous amount of times deciding what kind of car to get because they have so much money they don’t know where to put it, but because it’s San Francisco they don’t want to buy a car that’s going to make them look like they’re rich. That’s their real problem, is trying to figure out how do they manage the optics of being wealthy? Very young people, very rich people, driving through — as I pointed out — open-air mental health wards. I think somebody should do a story about that.</blockquote>
Somebody should do a story about why we tolerate the disparity of wealth in this country, and the "open-air mental health wards," the gatherings of the homeless. Maybe he's talking to me. There is a story I know mental health wards. I've written a little here about my own journey pretty much on my own through the mess we call the mental health system of America. Maybe I haven't written enough. Maybe having a life with this chronic illness was a heroic journey worth telling.<br />
<br />
I just finished Cheryl Strayed's <i>Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail</i>, reading it, not writing it - wish I had. She inspired me to go read some of her column <i>Dear Sugar</i> on The Rumpus and then order an encouraging coffee mug so obscene that I'll hide it from my house cleaners. After that, just wanting to keep enjoying the book, I read<a href="http://www.vulture.com/2014/12/cheryl-strayed-wild-movie.html" target="_blank"> an intelligent article by another smart, talented woman, Kathryn Schulz, </a>that suggested one reason <i>Wild</i> is so popular is that it is a record of a pilgrimage. I love that word, don't you? I had a friend who wanted to take one, and the internet was getting in her way in her life, and she disappeared from it, and then I had to change my email, so I don't know. Connie, are you out there?<br />
<br />
A pilgrimage may seem like a walk to your Holy City or a year at Walden Pond, but it is always a journey to yourself. With a serious mental illness you don't go from having lost yourself to being perfectly found, despite what some writers want to tell you; once bipolar, always bipolar. You journey from bowled over by a life-threatening illness to learning to function, then to looking for a life.<br />
<br />
Some of the things Strayed writes about are devastating even to read. I don't now that I would be able to write about them, or to relive my own story. Like many MI, I am emotionally sensitive. The past is too near to me as it is.<br />
<br />
Near the end of that speech, Carr pounded away at his theme. "Just do what is in front of you. Don’t worry about the plot to take over the world. Just do what is in front of you, and do it well. . . . Just do what is in front of you. Don’t worry about the plot to take over the world. Just do what is in front of you, and do it well." That's so Zen. If you don't think it is, after that he says, "Be present."<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Artist Kiki Smith at work<br />
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Above, an artist who is quoted as saying much the same thing; this happened my way on Facebook today. "<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16.0799999237061px;">"Just do your work. And if the world needs your work it will come and get you. And if it doesn't, do your work anyway."</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16.0799999237061px;"> </span><br />
<br />Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-74418753581820091932015-06-25T16:18:00.000-04:002015-06-25T16:18:40.946-04:00How to be Intermittenly Not UnhappyI was going to join the crowd and title this "How to Be Happy," but I just couldn't. That implies <i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Happy all the Time!!!</span></i><br />
It implies ~<br />
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<i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><br />
</span></i>"Fun fun fun till her daddy took the T-bird away". Life does take things away. The line in the Five Remembrances gets it: "All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change." (The whole chant is at the bottom of this blog.) Fun is especially ephemeral. Every series has a finale, and sometimes it's a great disappointment.<br />
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The alternative is to invest yourself in the world. I thought I'd suggest one way to do that: Listen to someone else.<br />
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I don't mean listen the way therapists do, with intent to help you change. Don't do that. You don't know what someone else needs. And definitely don't listen the way most people do, thinking of the next thing they will say, even downright impatient. Just pay attention to that other person.<br />
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You can briefly take in yourself at the same time. Your self might be cringing before someone else's misery or bored with their same old story. Maybe at some later time you should examine that cringing or boredom that is taking the space where there could be compassion. Meanwhile, why not let them talk - they must have a reason for repeating that story - and just really listen, look. You can nod. You don't have to say anything. Or fix them. In fact, they'd probably pay you not to.<br />
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Listening to other people is actually a good way to chip away at our devotion to Wun, my term for our own constructed selves, that Wun who seeks everywhere for happiness when, in fact, the moment is right here.Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-27653693231260042912015-06-14T11:13:00.001-04:002015-06-14T11:13:03.923-04:00Please do not sit on Buddha<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh0KBsE2HqGzjuW93r5rVRMjHKpQ6dfBcQ7zucKkwIfyl5ehGhmr8BDKjEI0svD8bnQNPNhIn47P98FeXh7t4XY-fL9autjHd8S2wUhXDKHCF95JjdBqF_QMErDOtVgiTNqfuCjqtiEtE/s1600/buddha+do+not+sit.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh0KBsE2HqGzjuW93r5rVRMjHKpQ6dfBcQ7zucKkwIfyl5ehGhmr8BDKjEI0svD8bnQNPNhIn47P98FeXh7t4XY-fL9autjHd8S2wUhXDKHCF95JjdBqF_QMErDOtVgiTNqfuCjqtiEtE/s640/buddha+do+not+sit.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
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<b><span style="color: #45818e;">Since things are perfect and complete</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #45818e;">just as they are,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #45818e;">beyond good and bad,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #45818e;">without adopting and rejecting,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #45818e;">one just bursts out laughing!</span></b><br />
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<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><i>Longchepa (1308-1364)</i>Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-73654266185595156912015-06-09T18:59:00.004-04:002015-06-09T18:59:37.187-04:00Creature Comforts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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There's this kind of camping, where you carry a home with you. But that's not what we meant by camping when I was a child. We meant this kind of camping . . .<br />
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. . . though we never ran into a bear. And the tent wasn't nice nylon with mesh windows, but canvas (it was the 1950s), which smelled faintly of mold, despite my parents' good housekeeping. <br />
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Daddy Longlegs sprawled here and there on the walls of the tent. Beyond the painfully bright Coleman lantern there were a million mosquitos and the darkest dark. You used a smelly outhouse a long way away or squatted behind a bush. No friends, no books, nothing to do.<br />
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When as a grownup I tried it with a friend, I further realized that the ground beneath the air mattresses was lumpy and unforgiving. The fire that was inviting at night was dead by morning, and it took a long time to get a fire going and make coffee. Once I had used up a roll of film and hiked moderately, there was still nothing to do but become increasingly aware of how uncomfortable folding chairs really are..<br />
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Living as if the technological advances of the last hundred years had not happened seems to have a sacred quality for some people. It does for me too. I'm not being sarcastic when I say I love nature, especially as seen from the windows of my air-conditioned home, which has flush toilets, hot running water, a real refrigerator, and a gas stove. What I like most to do in nature is sit with coffee when no one else is awake, and gestate a poem. I would also like that a lot at a cafe in Paris. You see what kind of person I am. Maybe people are different in New York City, but in the Midwest you feel a kind of shame for being so thoroughly urban.<br />
<br />
I did for several years go to the church's annual Labor Day campout. It was in nature, and not air conditioned, but there were things to do with people I liked, the cabins had toilets, other people cooked for you. One year I asked a man I knew whether he was going, just making conversation. Sal was a big guy, an executive who had a lot of money and who seldom spoke, and was thus generally esteemed. In response he chuckled as if the very idea was absurd, and said, "I like my creature comforts."<br />
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<i>Creature comforts.</i> Into my mind sprang a memory of the best hotel I've ever stayed at, which had one of the first glass elevators in America. The lovely shower with lots of fluffy white towels. Room service. Several restaurants. These are the luxuries of civilization, the things that give us comfort. Like many who have been in the trenches, I like them. <br />
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I remembered this recently after talking with a friend about living a life that matters. I don't have as many conversations about that as I used to, my energy being more limited, but I do think about it. It is very hard to help people by setting out to help them, as so many social programs have shown. On the other hand, you never know when you might help someone just by being authentically yourself. Sal was not a religious person, but he did me an appreciable favor just by being who he was, fearlessly, thoroughly civilized.<br />
<br />Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-6498111417308761852015-06-07T17:54:00.001-04:002015-06-09T06:40:09.060-04:00Present moment, hummingbird momentYesterday I went outside to cut some basil to put with the tomatoes I was bringing to an elderly friend who had a bad fall a few days ago. At the moment I cut it the smell of freshest basil bloomed, just as the sun came out, and I thought, <i>Life is perfect.</i> You might think that at my age, having practiced Zen for quite a few years, I had thought that before, but I don't think I had. <i>Life is perfect.</i> The sickbed, taxes, the weather. Everything.<br />
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As I say, the sun came out. And I may have been softened by some lovely things that have been happening around here. We live in a neighborhood only ten minutes from downtown Columbus, but on a ravine with woods in our back yard.<br />
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Two days ago I walked into the living room, and there outside the big window lay two young whitetail deer, munching. Both were bucks with antlers at this stage. We've had deer before, up to five once, but only one buck. Usually it is does and their young.<br />
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I moved out of the room. When I looked again a few minutes later, one had left. The other saw me again and lazily got up and left, too. I thought how lucky we are that we don't cultivate that backyard into a shade garden, which it once was. It's fine for the deer to lie on the plants and eat what they like.<br />
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Later that day I was sitting with a friend at the kitchen table when motion outside the window caught my eye, and there was a hummingbird drinking from the red petunias in the hanging basket. It darted from blossom to blossom to blossom, then gone. Present moment, hummingbird moment.<br />
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As if all that isn't enough, Saturday morning I saw a baby bunny on the front porch, a bunny small enough to hold in the palm of one hand. I just don't know anything more appealing. He fled when he saw me there.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Each sighting ruptured for a moment my usual reality, that habit of going-somewhere, doing-something, the way nature in the city does. I am aided in stopping by Zen practice, of course. I have been reading the remarkable blog of Tracy and Koun Franz, One Continuous Mistake. <a href="http://www.motheringinthemiddle.com/now-one-last-chance/#.VXS8ms9VhHw" target="_blank">On a parenting blog</a>, Mothering in the Middle, she talks about the Japanese worldview in contrast to our own <i>carpe diem. Ichi-go ichi-e</i> means "one time, one meeting." <span style="color: #134f5c;">Or, <b><i>your only chance, right here</i></b>.</span> </blockquote>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our backyard in spring</td></tr>
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<br />Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-57937432795252320352015-06-01T07:48:00.000-04:002015-06-07T19:08:19.962-04:00When Things Don't Fail<div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: small;">
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There's a whole industry publishing photos of things that go badly wrong, some funny, some too painful to be funny. But until I came across this practice, I never thought of making a point of what went well.</div>
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I came across it online, quoted from Martin Seligman's book <i>Flourish.</i> It's been quoted verbatim a lot, so that seems to be okay with him. It's called What Went Well. Here it is:</div>
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<span style="font-family: georgia, serif;">"Every night for the next week, set aside ten minutes before you go to sleep. Write down three things that went well today and why they went well. You may use a journal or your computer to write about events, but it is important that you have a physical record of what you wrote. The three things need not be earthshaking in importance (“My husband picked up my favorite ice cream for dessert on the way home from work today”), but they can be important (“My sister just gave birth to a healthy baby boy”).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: georgia, serif;">Next to each positive event, answer the question “Why did this happen?” For example, if you wrote that your husband picked up ice cream, write “because my husband is really thoughtful sometimes” or “because I remembered to call him from work and remind him to stop by the grocery store.” Or if you write, “My sister gave birth to a healthy baby boy,” you might pick as the cause “God was looking out for her” or “She did everything right during her pregnancy.” Writing about why the positive events in your life happened may seem awkward at first, but please stick with it for one week. It will get easier. The odds are that you will be less depressed, happier, and addicted to this exercise six months from now."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: georgia, serif;">When I presented this the next day to my meditation group one of the women referred to it as gratitude. I think there's an important difference. Gratitude is a feeling, and a depressed person knows she should feel grateful for the food on the table, etc. but may not feel anything but sad. Asking "What went well?" is a cognitive exercise. Your brain does it. You don't have to appreciate what went well for you; you just note it. </span><span style="font-family: georgia, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: georgia, serif;">The morning after I read the above I had to go to the lab at the hospital for a blood draw before noon. It was one of those mornings when you're sort of out of tune, and it was hard to get out the door. And the fuel light on my dashboard went on, oh no. There were no gas stations between here and there, and anyway, I was running late. Then it went off and stayed off. <i>That went well.</i> I just hoped to make it to the lab, and I did. Whew. <i>That went well.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: georgia, serif;">When I got to the hospital, the yellow area parking lot was half cordoned off for valet parking, and empty. <i>Oh No, </i>I thought, <i>There won't be a spot in there, where will I park?</i> but I pulled through the gate and spied, over to the left, a spot! I could hardly believe it. I didn't go around counterclockwise, the usual way, to get there, but ducked left and right in. <i>So</i>, I thought, <i>That went well.</i> Why? Because I was alert. Also, luck.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: georgia, serif;">There were no patients waiting in the lab - <i>That went well</i> - and the phlebotomist was Cyndi, who can get me with one stick, no fooling around painfully trying to get into my narrow rolling veins. One stick, <i>That went well.</i> Why? Because she is a competent professional, which is always so nice to find. Walking cheerfully to my car I realized my depression was gone. Well. That convinced me to adopt this practice for the next week. And order the book.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: georgia, serif;">(And I did manage to get to the gas station.<i> </i>So that went well, too.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: georgia, serif;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: georgia, serif;">Thanks to my former-and-always neighbor Susan Barrett for publishing this post on her encouraging site, <a href="http://www.wonderanew.com/" target="_blank">Wonder Anew</a></span></div>
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Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-82855434779261604302015-05-22T10:16:00.000-04:002015-05-28T14:22:50.510-04:00My Really Bad No Good Horrible Life <span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I want to tell you what happened to me in early 2013. To start with, </span><a href="http://dalaigrandma.blogspot.com/2012/05/how-to-age.html" style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;" target="_blank">go to this former post</a>,<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> which came my way today via Facebook's throwback machine. See how creative it was, see the lightness of attitude? See me, as a person who was not brain damaged by a prescription medicine. A bipolar woman who did not have 48-hour rapid cycling.</span><br />
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</span></span> <span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So here's the cause and effect, laid out for you:</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">twenty zombie years of lithium damages my kidneys </span></span><b style="background-color: white; color: red; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">--> </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">(that's an arrow, meaning leads to)</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">
</span></span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #141823;">1,000 mg of steroids at kidney transplant</span><span style="color: red;"><b> --></b></span><span style="color: #141823;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #141823;">I can't sleep</span> after</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> that </span><b style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: red;"> --></span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Psychiatrist Darryl Brush prescribes Seroquel for sleep, then more </span></span><b style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: red;"> --></span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I notice facial tics. It's tardive dyskinesia </span></span><b style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: red;"> --></span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> <i><span style="color: #666666;">[Brush tells me to discontinue the Seroquel. Now I can't sleep again, but </span></i></span></span><i><span style="color: #666666;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">he says he can't prescribe </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">anything more,</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I take too many medications for anti-rejection, blood pressure, fibrillation, thyroid. He doesn't tell me to be careful, that the TD might affect my balance, or prescribe gait and balance therapy. Later the neurologist will do that. But I've already fallen by then.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">]</span></span></i></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">The TD affects my balance and I fall. A bad fall off a stepstool. </span></span><b style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: red;"> --></span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I hit my head hard, and get a concussion. </span></span><b style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: red;"> --></span></b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> <span style="color: #666666;">[and get a compression fracture in my back. That's not nothing, but it's another story.]</span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></blockquote>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">And that's the end of it for me.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I had entered the years of being weird. After a while I noticed that I felt great one day and horrible the next. I marked predictable good days on my calendars and scheduled everything only on those days. But on the good days I was high, so I didn't get things done; instead I did crazy things like buy a Loudmouth Leo the animated speaker. I wrote lots of first drafts and forgot about them. I tried to find something about 48-hour cycling on the internet, but can't - I don't know that in studies this is called 48-hour rapid cycling. I didn't see another psychiatrist - would you? Thank God there's Leo to make me smile.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">On the bad days I sometimes get dressed. I do not let myself dwell on ways to kill myself. There is no clear middle space, the kind of time in which normal people do ordinary things like balance the checkbook and get the oil changed.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">At last my husband tells <i>his</i> doctor about this, and she says,<i> Oh no, that won't do. She has to get this fixed.</i> She writes down the names of three psychiatrists. I glance at the list, I have less than no confidence in psychiatrists now, but I've met one of them, so I make an appointment with him. He is not on Medicare and costs $10 a minute. And guess what - he knows about this condition. He prescribes epitol (brand name Tegretol), maybe the only psych drug I haven't had a bad reaction to. And guess what? This 48-hour rapid cycling is a known condition. It can happen to bipolar women who have a closed brain injury.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">After a slow dazed week it worked. It worked so well that every day was the same. I started to have a normal life. But the story didn't have a happy ending there. I</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">t suddenly stopped working. He raised the dose, another dazed week, now it's working again. He explained the mechanism, how this happens with Tegretol, and is confident it will stabilize within the year. Christ, I hope so.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am writing this because I want to leave footprints for other bipolars. And most of all I want to spread this message --</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Don't take Seroquel unless it's really necessary.</b></span> </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Not even when it's called quetiapine, the generic. It can ruin your life. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">It's a powerful drug that should only be taken with care when severe episodes are a problem, not as a sleep aid. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> It can and does cause tardive dyskinesia. And TD can harm you as it did me. Permanently. </span><br />
<br />Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-79349949057490138932015-03-16T17:55:00.000-04:002015-03-16T17:55:04.810-04:00Don't seek the truth -- <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The rest of the title quote is "just stop cherishing your opinions." Another quote from "Trust in Mind," or The Hsin Hsin Ming. I liked the quote before I knew where it came from. "Trust in Mind" is like that. Many people know its first line:<br />
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<b><span style="color: #45818e;">The great way is not difficult for those who do not pick and choose.</span></b></blockquote>
And that's the whole message of Zen, over and over, isn't it? Just accept reality. Don't keep fixating on <span style="color: red;">Want this</span>, <b>Hate</b> them, <b><span style="color: #674ea7;">Don't like</span></b>, <b><span style="color: #bf9000;">Won't</span></b> . . . Just greet whatever comes to your door. It's that easy.<br />
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Ha.<br />
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The other day I was driving up High Street, which borders the giant football school here in Columbus, and is always kind of interesting, when this poem came to mind. The gray snow was heaped alongside the melting streets, and the off-white sky had gray clouds in it, and I thought,<i><b><span style="color: #666666;"> Ugly.</span></b></i> I prefer sun.<br />
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Here in the temperate zone we have intemperate winters, and everyone loves sun, believe me. We all tell each other we feel better when the sun is shining. Funny, but people feel guilty about that, as if we shouldn't care whether the sun is shining. But that's not quite Zen. Everything affects us. Of course we have preferences. We just don't want to be overly attached to them.<br />
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Driving up High Street into the no-sun, I thought of the Hsin Hsin Ming. Because "beautiful" and "ugly" are evaluations, the kind we call dualism. So I thought, <i>What if I don't call this ugly? (Though it is, </i>my mind persisted.)<br />
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It was not easy to drop my reaction: <i><b><span style="color: #666666;">Ugly.</span></b></i> I've always lived in Ohio, and I'm sure I heard it in the womb, we hate winter, winter is hard, we love summer, can't wait. But I kind of got it for a second or two.<br />
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A week later: This post has been sitting in the draft box, with many other limp ideas. But today The Hsin Hsin Ming happened to me again.<br />
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I was determined to give myself two hours to work on my poetry, and was in the throes of capturing lost poems from my email box, poems written on my iPad and sent to me, and <i>everything</i> wanted to distract me. My to-do list. My new Buddha box. The gold fingernail polish I just discovered among my things. The nice, springlike day. And I thought, <b><span style="color: #45818e;"><i>When it's time to write poetry, just write poetry. </i></span></b><br />
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It struck me as another example of not picking and choosing, just doing the work at hand, the scheduled work, which was the right work for the moment. So I did. <br />
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Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-48772108790571861692015-03-03T22:41:00.001-05:002015-03-03T22:41:41.023-05:00This, Too, Shall Pass<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNlWzrXaxHLRtuNggB4O76OplzL2-vDUbjln4qc9uN5DsuV4rabslAOe10RTE6KV2Xp3fG_KDFDn9Hs9dXRySaMr5kpLC75JGAvEBNj19TAeavhbtLn027H73kTdBuQvpCNoQ93uqxcm0/s1600/10678_10203937994758227_2150644427967862326_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNlWzrXaxHLRtuNggB4O76OplzL2-vDUbjln4qc9uN5DsuV4rabslAOe10RTE6KV2Xp3fG_KDFDn9Hs9dXRySaMr5kpLC75JGAvEBNj19TAeavhbtLn027H73kTdBuQvpCNoQ93uqxcm0/s1600/10678_10203937994758227_2150644427967862326_n.jpg" height="322" width="400" /></a></div>
You guys can't imagine how many times I begin a post and don't finish it. Because it takes <i>time</i>. Energy. Thought. The confidence that you have something to say worth reading. I don't really have any of those things these days, not on a predictable basis. Bad ups and downs - and when the ups are bad you have your truly undesirable bipolar disorder, the kind that makes headlines if you are famous.<br />
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But one can say Buddhist things about all this. Here's one: what helps me a lot is to remember ~<br />
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<span style="color: #6aa84f; font-size: large;"><i><b>This too shall pass.</b></i></span></blockquote>
Daniel Terragno told me that once, in regard to a very pleasing state of mind I had encountered on a retreat. He was sure right.<br />
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In all seriousness, when things are bad, we need to remember, <i>oh, it's just life</i>. And gosh, the Buddha was right about suffering. And it will pass. I honestly believe that's the best suicide counseling I could give. That and, tomorrow is another day. And oh, spring comes and the grass grows by itself. (Basho)<br />
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You're probably wondering why I have been able to post this sketchy thing. Well, by restraining myself from making a fancy sign that would say This Too Shall Pass. By staying up past my bedtime. By not discussing whether the commas in the title are definitively better than the lack of commas in the saying in the text, and linking to the great article I just read in the New Yorker by a comma queen (copyreader). By not fact-checking the Basho quote. Like that. Being bipolar, you have to learn restraint of the many many creative ideas that won't get the humidifier cleaned....Anyway, I just saw this cartoon and wanted to share it. A great one. Let us smile at ourselves.<br />
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<br />Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7123326368423499292.post-83733382560499037862015-02-10T08:24:00.000-05:002015-02-11T09:27:13.893-05:00What is Zen practice?<a href="http://artandzentoday.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/cows-grass.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://artandzentoday.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/cows-grass.bmp" height="400" width="309" /></a> I don't hold with embarrassing people or dogs (you can't embarrass a cat) so I have modified this quote from a blog, and present it without attribution:<br />
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"For me, Zen practice includes not just zazen (sitting meditation) but all of the other aspects of Buddhist practice such as chanting, prostrations, sutra study, and the like."<br />
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It's not that I disagree with the above forms of practice; I just don't think all that describes the fullness of Zen. That's because I take Zen as a form of Buddhism, a religion with an ethical code, not a personal practice.<br />
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This reminds me of something I overheard once after a sit. The guy who said this was a regular in the sangha I practiced in then. Talking to another Zenner, who had just spent a week at Zen Mountain in New York state, he said "Don't you just wish you could go there for three months and <i>really practice?" </i> I thought, <i>He doesn't get what practice really is. </i>The real practice is waking up to your life. To fully live your own life compassionately is the whole thing.<br />
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This guy was married with kids, and owned a business. Like many entrepreneurs, he was charismatic and had the I Can Do That mentality that sometimes leads people to take on more than any reasonable human can do. I'd heard him talk about the <i>impossibility</i> of finding 20 minutes to meditate in the morning. And it can be hard. The very act of persisting until you make that time, that is enlightening. Confronting the conditioning that says you have to be striving and useful every minute. Realizing that you don't have to hold the universe together every minute of the day. This endeavor can help us see ourselves more compassionately.<br />
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There are guidelines for life as practice in the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path" target="_blank">Noble Eightfold Path</a>, which is more than a few tips. That path, put forth by the Buddha, includes our behavior in this world of dew. It tells us how to avoid harming ourselves and others every moment. Right speech alone can be the work of a lifetime, as it includes right listening and also, at times, keeping your thoughts to yourself. Which I did that day.<br />
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<br />Jeanne Desyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07800258273705288582noreply@blogger.com2