Saturday, March 22, 2014

What to do when you just can't meditate

Can't, won't, don't want to, whatever.  Seriously, I did enjoy watching this amazing invitation to a mixture of overwhelming self-pity and glee.

You didn't watch it, did you? Five minutes is more time than I am usually willing to give a video these days, and I understand that's now normal.

But if you did, it might destress you some.  That won't last.  I liked it and laughed at the sheer joy of surfing, but I had to think, I so wish I'd done that shit when my bones were good.  Latest bone scan showed severe osteoarthritis with high risk of fracture.  I'm supposed to see a specialist.  Yet another specialist.
I am in what I was trained to think of as a "bad" mood, i.e., one that made my parents uncomfortable.  Can't you ever smile?  On the other hand, if I was smiling, my father was likely to say gruffly, What're you smiling about?  My mother always tried to get me to ignore him by saying to me, Oh, grow up.  Just the kind of thing that makes you want to sing the Peter Pan theme song,  "I won't grow up."  You do see from this, perhaps, that I was not a popular item in the house I grew up in.

Why don't I blog more often these days?  Well, yes, I'm sick 50% of the time with a weird cycling depression no doctor so far has any explanation for.  There's that.  Should I waste a couple of hours on a good day writing this?  What's in it for me?  And same with my status updates on my Facebook page.  It does not grow because why?  Because the people who subscribe FOR FREE don't share anything, and rarely comment.  Why?  Because they got it free, and don't value it.  Just hit "like" and move on.  Same reason you readers don't bother to comment or write to me.

But see, I'm no fun.  As a blogger I'm nowhere, since I'm not hysterically dramatic in recovery famous holding contests, and blablabla.  I'm not selling fun.  All I have is reality, and that's never been big.

I've been doing a little Naikan lately - GIYA - and it has made me notice what I give and what I receive.  I give have given used to give to this blog, over 1000 published posts, and people think it is quite sufficient to mention to me or Tom in passing that they love my blog and follow it religiously.  But they don't write to me to ask why I'm not publishing, do they?

I should have been an electrician.  That's all.  Do something concrete, important, and well-paid.  This contemplative English major writer introvert thing - the only way it pays is if you write a book about it. That's hard to do if you're depressed.

Anyway guys, I have an excuse.  I'm sick right now with an internal infection in addition to my usual pain in multiple places.  On an antibiotic, which seems to maybe be doing the job, but will fuck up my digestive system for weeks, despite my good probiotic.  Maybe I'm just cranky, the way kids get when they're getting better.  Maybe I'll be back some day radiating cheer and joy and stuff.  We'll see.


  1. Meanwhile....this is when the practice is really put to the test. It is easy, when everything is coming up roses, but when it goes south which seems to happen a lot more frequently as we age. We have to let go of any expectations...learning it again and again and again.

  2. People's interest in my blog seems to rise and fall without any clear reason. I can go 2 weeks without posting and there's little disruption in visits and even comments sliding in. Other times, I'm posting regularly and the numbers are flat or even lower than usual. The only thing that has guaranteed "attention" and interest on DH is writing about sex and/or teacher scandals. And since I have no interest in doing that too often, I've made peace with the fluctuations. And also not knowing what folks value and what folks don't care about.