Thursday, May 30, 2013

Still not knowing

It went exactly as expected yesterday - painful careful diagnostic mammogram, long painful careful ultrasound, lady doctor coming in to reassure us and say they are referring me to a breast surgeon who "likes to feel the breast himself" and might order a biopsy.  Yes.  A few more tears.  We told them to ask my very good kidney doctor (Ronald deAndrade) for a referral, because he understands my health condition more fully than any other doctor.  Yesterday was Wednesday, and even Buddha doctors often take the afternoon off to play golf on a lovely May day.  They had a bowl of chocolates at the door to the mammogram room. I took three.  Hersheys, but good enough.

Meanwhile, I posted this on the forum at Vine of Obstacles:

a note: one of my true friends, Laurie Doerfler, stopped by with gifts  Sunday.  They included a clear glass vase with old-fashioned roses (maybe from her roommate's garden), which sits here on my desk.  One of the wild roses, streaked pink and white, is in four stages of opening this morning, from past full bloom to a bud opening.  Two nights ago, after our sangha memorial sit for Sarah, I wrote these, distracted into haiku as I tried to understand Dogen’s Guidelines for Studying the Way.  Of course, these are modern loose-form haiku; this is English, not Japanese, which I would love to learn.

It is like me
this white rose
dropping petals

as I sit reading about zazen
the white rose
drops one more petal

An old photo, end of a roll of black-and-white film: note the insect on the rose
p.s.  Just had a call from Polly, the oncological nurse at the Bing Cancer Center.  Dr. deAndrade is on vacation (what?!) so they made me an appointment with Dr. Lilly for June 4.  I said, "What?  We were hoping to get a biopsy today or tomorrow, because this is not feeling good."  She will see what she can do and call me right back.  Ah, this is the relative world.


  1. Ah, prayers... during the agony of yet another torturous wait! JF

    1. Thank you. It's not so bad - difficult, easy, a great pleasure in the ordinary.