Scott was a special friend to us for many years, used to meditate with us, was often in our house for gatherings. He was bipolar, and it was basically disabling. One of my first thoughts was that I was glad it wasn't suicide, that I couldn't have stood that. I think you always feel at a death, even a natural death, that you could have, should have, done more for that person. I don't think Scott knew how much he meant to me. I should have told him he was like a kid to me, that I cared deeply for him.
|Scott and Ray|
|Scott's cover photo on Facebook|
|Scott and BartholomeOw|
I want to convey the weirdness of understanding that all this money is spent on me while people die or go blind or are crippled for want of inexpensive medical care. It is not fair or right. It's an accident of karma that I was born into a thrifty family in white middle-class in America in a time when you earned pensions as you worked, and ended up with terrific health insurance.
But weirder that I don't deserve it, and still worse that I bitch about all the stuff I have to do just to stay alive. Taking care of myself takes all my time! At this very moment I should have already done my chi gong and meditated and should be eating Cream of Wheat and taking the rest of my morning pills, and I resent that schedule calling me. I work on not resenting how my bipolar disorder took on new life after the surgery, how I am depressed every other day now, sometimes immobilized by it and given to drifting suicidal fantasies, and nobody can come up with a medication that's any help. It's bad. I feel guilty that I'm not suffused with joy. I think I should be happy all the time for every extra day I've been given.
And I feel guilty because I haven't accomplished anything much, either. I ask, What can I possibly do to make it worth while that Laurie Brown gave me one of her kidneys? That I am here and Scott is dead. My central gift is seeing, feeling, expressing my experience. Maybe that's all I have to give, and I have this blog, which is the easy way to give it. So here it is. And here is something Scott posted once.