Thursday, January 24, 2013


A further note on how we handle things, springing off yesterday's post.  Barry Magid says we can have two approaches to illness or pain:
1.  try to always tough it out, and never admit anything is too much for us.
 2.  easily feel overwhelmed and always think things are too much for us to handle.
But wait - for me, though perhaps not for everyone, there is a third way "I", my bipolar body/mind, can react:
I do snap.  People do.  You might be surprised.  My own mother did when she found my father carrying the phone number of a slim, intelligent divorcee.  I won't put the whole story here, but he apologized and she came home and spent months sitting in a housecoat in the breakfast nook smoking and saying over and over, "That woman's evil.  Evil."  My mother was a regular ordinary non-bipolar oppressed woman of her generation, and her generation didn't put crazy people away or even on medication.  I tell you, my father paid heavily for apparently not even having the affair yet.

Part of my problem is simple chemistry.  I need to get off Seroquel, it's causing tardive dyskinesia, an ugly problem.  But without it I can't sleep.  I have not been able to get to sleep without medications since the transplant until Seroquel because of the 1000 mg of steroids they injected me with because they think that helps prevent rejection.  There was no negotiating a damn thing with them. They are surgeons.

When he saw the symptoms, the shrink had me ramp down and off on the Seroquel and I did and now I can't sleep again, and furthermore, I am going snap! snap! at people like a f--------- bowl of sugar snap peas.  The shrink now recommends 3 mg of melatonin.  I recall that the transplant people took me off that at the time of the transplant, and told me not to use it.  So I called the transplant nurse this morning and told her my story.  She explained why it may be Monday before she can get with the doctor about this.  Okay.  Meanwhile, I still have Seroquel, which, BTW, is a hideous drug of the kind mentally ill people go off of, because it makes you stupid. STOOPID.  Next thing you know, you're capitalizing things and using lots of exclamation points!!!!!!!!! and trying to think positive.

And here's something else that occurred just now, NOW, in the f------ present moment.  Backstory:  Tom has been going around in a black cloud of anxiety for a month about a family meeting with his mother's estate attorney that was to take place this morning at 10:00 this morning.  Meanwhile there was all his angst about, IF they ever got his new van ready, IF he had the van in time, then should he drive up there, if so should he have a friend help him drive or should he drive alone and stay the night. There are no simple decisions in the Tucker family. Christ, you ought to see them make macaroni and cheese.  I'm sorry folks, I seem to have turned into Phyllis Diller or something, only without the facelifts.  But if it's funny it's not mean, right?

Anyway, they called at 10:00 am, the time the meeting was scheduled for, to say the meeting is abruptly cancelled.  Without explanation.  Not the first evidence of this lawyer's flakiness.

See, it's not about me, it's all just karma wheeling all around in that vast potential, things happening for reasons that are not my fault or choice, entwinement through no act on my part in the lawyer's karma (maybe she killed herself because she just couldn't face another meeting with the Tuckers!).  But it comes down here and bites me because Karma is a bitch, and I go Snap!

I am not a little dot at war with the universe, as if the universe was sending evil ugly orcs up over the hill one after another specifically to fight me, and all I have is my magic sword.  Anyway, girls don't have swords, for obvious symbolic reasons.  I have to rely on Wonder Woman and her magic jewelry for imagery.  She's not all bad if you can see past the soft-porn costume.  Neither is her Wikipedia article.  Reading it I feel better already.  Maybe I've snapped out of it.
p.s. It's Saturday now, 10 am, and the financial planner who was coming to meet with us called to cancel. Merciful Buddha giving another lesson in how to roll with the punches. Ah, no meeting!


  1. The things our biochemistry do to us can be just wild. And it seems even worse when it is meds causing as much trouble as they are meant to fix. We need much better ways of dealing with such things than current Pharma provides -- like, jeez, folks! If it make you feel different but worse in another way, that is NOT helpful! You have my sympathy. Really!

    1. Jesa, I am so enjoying meeting you through your web page and poetry and (you know me) your cats. Speaking of other ways, I dragged myself to my chi gong class last night. It is led by a man who is deeply informed by the Tao, a lovely person. I did not "enjoy" the class, as I sometimes do, but stayed with it and my thoughts which had settled down and clarified at the end of the hour. With that (and the awful, blessed pharmaceuticals) I had a good night's sleep. Thank you for writing.

  2. Two things I have done that might help you:
    1. Mozart Brain even faster if you are a meditator.
    2. Hyperbaric chamber...will help with the new organ, and might translate to a better overall feeling.

    I also did a year of a kind of acu-points healing...hard to find someone who has the training of the man I saw, trained by his father....and works mostly on female clients. A hands on technique using points on your back, while you lie on your back. It helped me resolve the hospital fears...after my medical malpractice.

    1. Hello. I didn't know about Mozart Brain Lab. I do erratically listen to music, chanting, dharma talks when I need them. And most of all, to silence. Zen gave me that.
      I did acupuncture for a year or two, had acu-points with a tai chi teacher at one time, and am generally attuned to how helpful it is. But I forget to use it on myself, so thanks for the reminder. It's always good to hear from you.