Saturday, January 28, 2012

Not dead yet

Update on personal body and soul -
Yesterday went to my PCP (primary care provider, as we now call family doctors) because a sharp recurring pain in my stomach was frightening me.  This doctor actually knows me, (despite every effort of the medical and insurance professions to make medicine impersonal), so he ordered a urine sample before he even talked to me.  And there it was again, a hidden bladder/kidney infection.  This one was not signalling itself with incontinence.  So I started on Macrobid again last night, and this morning on omeprazel for the stomach.  The shingles are acting like they should, crusting over, and they itch something terrible now, and if I sweat it makes them sting.  We discussed my pain medication.  I haven't been taking enough. 

As for my soul, I immediately felt relieved - the deep depression of this last week is not necessarily bipolar rising up again.  And in fact, the terrible depression in early September was simultaneous with a UTI.  Regular people who don't have mood disorders get depressed with these hidden infections, but a lot of them think they're just old and ready to die; and younger people can keep bulling their way through what they think they have to do, ignoring or drowning their bleakness or blaming it on their spouse.  But if you need any proof that we are one unit, and there is not one part of us separate from the others (like mind separate from bladder, say), this is it, living proof.

I've been so tired this week that I had to miss things that brighten my life - going to choir, coffee with a friend, having Otto over for the afternoon.  So tired that twice I forgot to take off the elastic sleeve I wear for lymphedema, and slept in it - dangerous for the skin.  In my usual I'll Conquer This attitude, I wrote a checklist and posted it in my bathroom,  so I remember to do the things I have to do at bedtime.  That's how tired I was, and waking up still tired.  But this morning I woke up to find I'd slept 11 hours, and my first real thought/sensation was that I didn't feel as bad, and my second was gratitude.

You know, you are not even in charge of your own will to live.  Today the sun is out here in southern Ohio, and every time I look out the window at the blue sky and take a breath, it feels healing.  I had a cupcake for breakfast and played Words with my grandson, whom I love more than my own life by far.  Now that I'm pulling out of that depression I can feel love again.  Even love is a matter of your health and the mix and flow of chemicals in your brain.

Now, that's all for now.  As for what I do in this blog, I just try to share my life, the reality. As for the image above, is God behind the clouds?  In the clouds?  Is God the sun and clouds, and the photographer?


  1. Glad to hear you're feeling better. Thank you for sharing the ups and downs with us, because we've all been there, and if not, we will be someday.

    1. Thank you Pigasus. It seems to me that's all I have to offer the world now, is that attempt at authenticity, reality as I know it. It means a great deal to hear from you.

  2. I'm sorry to hear you have been so sick! That is rough. I'm glad you are doing better, body, mind, and spirit!

  3. Jeanne, when I'm tired, and really tired for days, I become so depressed it just feeds back into being tired. I know that feeling. And then I have to rally myself, pull myself back up and drag myself through the day looking desperately for signs of worth and beauty everywhere. It works if I walk far enough.

  4. I love reading what you write. And to think you might have stopped writing this blog--remember that goodbye post? Lucky us that you trade some of your precious energy to "write to us."