[image - completely unrelated ad starring a cat that struck me funny. I can't find any amusing campaign humor.]
So considering this long, tiresome election here in America, I fell to daydreaming about the ideal candidate. Obviously, that would be someone who does not want to be President, because it's a job no sane person would want. Who else but me, then? So imagine me, for a moment, with grayer hair in a sort of bun, and wearing a nice old-fashioned dress with a lace collar (and tennis shoes, of course) on a platform, speaking to a sea of cheering people.
Friends [I begin] today we find ourselves in a great big mess. Yet, I come to you with a light heart. For I know that at this very moment, this mess is working itself out. It is working itself out in China and India and Russia, in Africa, all over the world. In each and every nation, change is taking place. And there are serious people enduring long, delicate meetings in the effort to put aside national pride and work together as one people. For we are all one, we cannot escape our deep interconnection. We share the waters and the sky and the air.[An uncomfortable hush has fallen over the crowd. Is this really a campaign speech?]
So I ask of you today [I continue] to put aside not only your pride, but your hatred, put aside all your hatreds. To put aside your blaming and instead think deeply about your own actions, and how you help create the world we share.[scattered boos, sounds of hushing. You could hear a pin drop; that would be sharp.]
Ask yourself [I say], what can I do to help my neighbors? What can I share? How can I make this a better world with food and shelter and a decent life for every single human being, with justice for all, no distinctions?
[murmurs in the crowd of "UnAmerican!" are shushed. One muscular man turns and starts weaving toward the exit, shaking his head.]
And I herebye vow [I continue, since I still have the mic, which is very important in politics] that I will not be rude or unkind on the world stage. That I will endeavor to lead this nation step by step in a search for international peace and cooperation. That all serious, important meetings will have breaks for cookies, and our children and grandchildren and our beloved pets will play at our feet to remind us what this is all about.
[stunned silence. Camera goes in on a woman with a look of amazed hope. Flashbulbs pop. No, wait, wrong generation. Many phones are held aloft, that's right, sending this out by video to the whole world. Cut to cheering crowds in Tianamen Square. A Chinese soldier is shown wiping a tear away.]
And so I say to you, in conclusion, Vote for me. Because a vote for Grandma is a vote for Grandmother's Heart!Oh my, the crowd goes wild! Because I'm writing this story.
Seriously now.......it's not a bad agenda.