Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Working with Depression

As for yesterday's gloom - this morning, again the pain in the SI joint when I walk or sit still for long.  That, plus being almost late, or was I late? for the first sit because when you're old, everything takes so long.  I hated this * old age thing, and all those who say "You're only as old as you feel."  Bull - you feel as old as you are.  I'd like to see them spend a day in this body, then see how old they feel.

So I was wordlessly grieved out in dokusan, and AMA Samy said, "Okay, it's okay."
"Not okay," I growled, leaving.  It wasn't funny then; extreme emotion is like that. I thought how wise my grandson was.  When he was born he came out really pissed off - Who are all these people? bright lights! I'm cold!  Later, his first words were "Don't want!"  That's how I felt - DON'T WANT!!!

Then somehow I got with it - the sun was just coming up orange, the color of joy.  I kept standing outside the zendo leaning on the railing, which was easy on my back - and then breakfast.  Walking hurts, is not good for the SI joint, ouch, so I found a folding chair and sat outside with my back to the sun, a blessing, and after a while read a little Trungpa on the Kindle on my phone, which is always with me because it is my camera.  He cuts like a diamond.  Took a Vicodin at last,  time to sit (meditate), so came in and did lying-on-heating-pad meditating, being choiceless, letting mind flow - it even went into some hypnagogic images.

Now, in all this I was not "working with" the depression, and I think that's a key point.  What I was doing was paying close attention to my physical needs, and the environment, which is beautiful and peaceful.  Sometimes it is called "not clinging" or "not sticking to anything."  Especially not to any idea of yourself or of evaluating your life.  Not getting hung up in Want! Don't Want! One of our chant begins -

The Great Way is not difficult
for those who do not pick and choose.

How you learn not to pick and choose all the time, you meditate for ten or fifteen years - it's a start, anyway.

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