Thursday, September 29, 2011

Another unattractive day

Okay, I just try to be authentic.

Just interrupted by 2 people at the door.  Did not know them.  What did he want?  He kept saying meaningless things like did I know so and so down the street.  Finally something comes thru about inspecting foundations.  No, I said.  What?  No, and closed the door.  I'm sorry if I made his day worse.  I try to protect the world from me when I'm like this.  At times my anger comes up at old things, like the shrink who kept me on lithium even as it destroyed my kidneys, and I want to write a really angry letter.  When I feel better, I don't care, it's not what I want to be doing with a good hour.  The anger is not "real."  This is a chemical mess, or chaos in my neurochemistry.  Point is, you just get through this.

Saw pdoc today, this deep depression is news to both of us.  He does not want to put me on a new medication, obviously, I take 20 different things.  One is Seroquel at night, cools the mind, I can usually get to sleep.  We're going to try doubling the low dose.  The downside of this drug is that it has taken away most of my creativity.  But creativity is worthless if you're depressed, like sequined red shoes gathering dust on the closet floor.  It's a mood stabilizer too, he says.Call him in two weeks.  Gave me his direct line phone no.  I refrained from telling him my sports doc gave me his cell no.  There, a bit of humor.

Tomorrow, another dr.  Seem to have a new bladder infection.  That itself causes depression.  Stopped to fill scrip, killed my left shoulder, the other one, the one with a torn rotator cuff, lifting a half gallon of milk, which weighs 4 lbs.  Both sides hurt, I'm sure it's good news that I have oxycontin for it.  I am so depressed it does not make me happy.

A very depressing birthday visit from one of those people in my life.  It doesn't matter what I say, how light-hearted, any small talk, she can always incisively suggest what I should have done, The Answer.  I realize this is a virtually psychotic adaptation to life, people who honestly think there's always an answer,  things can be fixed.  As if I couldn't think of going to the hairdresser to get my hair washed, since it is so painful for me to do with the rotator cuff injury in the arm I can use.  As if I don't have a reason (a very painful neck) for not going to the hairdresser.  So let it go, she's like that.  But this is depression - it does not have perspective.  It can be obsessive.  It is your worst Monday morning.

Read something from a big wisdom blog on aging and snorted.  It is absolutely inevitable on these that people write in comments bragging about how f- happy they are.  And they're not old inside! And they love life.  And you can tell they think they deserve this, they think they earned it.

Okay, good news.  Tashi has recovered enough from our absence to come and ask for a cuddle twice, that's when she climbs up on my shoulder and lays across my heart, purring.  She likes it when I breathe on her head.  Above, an awfully good picture of her.

Oh, the phone.  I am not answering.


  1. DG,know what? F--- it. It is actually bloody refreshing to hear somebody feeling and thinking how I am/have done/will do. However sh-- you are feeling, know that you have inspired me to write truthfully this morning. And no it might not be positive, and it might be angry, but I am rather sick of censoring myself, and throwing some positive spin on something. Sometimes we can do it, other times we can't. I accept I can't. Not today. See, however desperately low, you can still inspire. If you feel anything like me, then maybe you will want to just stick this in the cupboard with the red shoes. But there is a little box from me, full of love and support. Open it and accept it whenever you are feeling ready. P x

  2. Yes, Pixie, and thank you, this is what I hope to do, to share The Life with bipolar. Writing this seemed to help, because I decided to search for distraction from the pain, found a series on streaming Netflix called Kidnapped, liked it. Meanwhile, decided to not take any oxy and see how that worked. I do seem clearer this morning. I get mad at pain and say obscene things to it. But it sticks around, loves me anyway.