Sunday, October 24, 2010

Not thinking positive

It's one of my themes - I don't like to be told to look on the bright side, though of course there's a reason I undertook this kidney transplant, to live much better, much longer, once we're through this.  But as for putting a spin on my experience, there is this experience, what it is, in total, though it's only that - experience.  Today it's been unpleasant.  Much of the day in bed trying to be warm, cold sweats, blurred vision, inability to concentrate, nose running.  Immunosuppressants are very strong.  My nurse told me to eat when I take them (3 times a day) and that cut down on stomach pain and belching.  At least I'm not nauseated.  (I know, that's thinking positive.  And at least I haven't come down sick in some other way, and there are many ways.  And I'm not "in rejection."  In other words, this is working fine. A good recovery.)

I got on OSU's classy website to enter my vitals, and it asked me to take a little survey.  The first question was How do you feel today compared to before your surgery?  Worse, I had to say.  That was a depressing truth.

But there's another side to this whole Zennish approach to what has been a fairly miserable day - it isn't awful.  Or unfair.  There's a lot of conceptualizing I'm not doing, in other words.  Not blaming other people, none of whom warned me how this would be.  Blame doesn't make a lot of sense, things are much more complicated than that.  Nothing is how you thought it would be.  That includes that I still don't have the clear, incisive mind I've been hoping to rediscover, now that my blood is clean.  I spent much of the day under a lot of soft blankets feeling the breath at the tip of my nose, in and out.  I suppose this is meditation.

Sheba just came yowling into the room.  I want to record her and post it for the world to see what we put up with.  We had no idea when we picked her out of the Old Ladies' Room at Cat Welfare - never heard her yowl.  Sherlock had almost no voice; hers is huge.  She is also the softest, silkiest animal you ever touched, and loves to be petted.  You never know what you're getting with a cat, or anything else maybe.


  1. Melanie, Austin Zen Center practionerOctober 25, 2010 at 2:08 PM

    Recently a young woman who spent a little time with her boyfriend at the Austin Zen Center in Austin, TX (he was serving as the cook at the time, which is where I met them both) was ordained at Green Gulch Farm. On her Facebook page she wrote, "It is done." Simple, weighty, but not so dramatic in the telling. I wonder if this is how it is for you in talking about your kidney transplant. Feeling your breath at the tip of your nose under soft blankets sure seems like meditation to me. I'm so glad you're not rejecting your new kidney. I don't have soup, just words, and I'm a stranger at that. But I suspect I'm not alone in following your progress and wishing you love and all the best for a healthy life. P. S. I wonder if your yowling cat can hear mine?

  2. Yes! What we're engaged in is definitely not positive thinking. Of course we do notice pleasant things as we are attempting to notice more of everything without labels and judgment -- even without understanding. "Nothing is how you thought it will be." Again and again I'm invited to learn the depth of this insight. I can also relate to wanting the world to witness and validate the challenges our dog, Samantha, puts us through. Yes, this is all certainly meditation. I take comfort in your willingness to keep turning toward your immediate experience. May you find comfort and vitality in the coming days, weeks, and months as your body heals.

  3. Bobby the dog was recently added to our family, he was actually forced into it, as my family decided to live in another country, and so he had to come live over.

    What life had to offer was surprising, as it benefited Bobby most. Our working hours are from 9 till 6. A few days before Bobby joined us i was offered a new job from 9 till 3. I am now free to pet him and take him for walks during the day.

    I feel that being positive is not being negative. Positive does not mean happiness, it just means we're accepting. Scientifically proven that darkness is where light does not exist.

    I hope you get well soon.. :)